Today we settled on the nursing home for my MOT. It is not the one we planned on but the other place turned at to be awful and concerned about having their beds filled with rehab. and could not accommodate a move date. They were real assholes. Hopefully this thing will work out fine. It is the one where Allie just went for her rehab and is just close by to us all. Helping Kathryn to pack was awful . I don't think we can go through this again. I hope it is the last move for her. She cried and was scared to bathe because the 'boys' were watching so I told her I would keep her safe and bathed her. Stan was useless.
Allie is at least back in her apartment so that is something. I booked a three night getaway for us. WE hare headed off the grid.
wonder what Kathryn's prognosis is at this point. Probably not great. I'm depressed. I feel like there is this long, long tunnel and we never seems to get out. Maybe there were will light on Friday. I hope so. Stan is so dejected that it scares me. I think he needs but that will be up to him. At least he is seeing a therapist. No I have to find one!
Clinging
You won't drown.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Christmas eve in elderly ville
I am trying to be grateful. I am grateful.
My children are healthy and home. My husband is off of work. We have presents under the tree and will go to our lovely church service tonight and share dinner with our best friends. But, I'm angry and I'm tired and I want someone to come take all the responsibility off of our shoulders. My aunt broke her hip at Thanksgiving and was misdiagnosed until a week ago. She had surgery this week and is now in rehab. My mother in law is a horrible, sick, lonely, sad, on her way to the nursing home person. We have to move her from her assisted living this week and into the nursing home. She is upset about it and I understand that but she thinks she is the only person in the universe.
How long do we serve? I know that what we are doing (without any help from family) is what God intended for us... to serve and honor our elders. But, I am worn out from my own illness and just wanted to have a break.
I am angry (still) at my sister in law for abandoning her mom three years ago. I realize she must live in her own kind of hell but still, it hurts.
I miss my parents. Oh God, I miss my parents. My mom always brought joy and laughter and my dad was always my rock solid support.
I have to turn this thing around. I have to let God do God's will in all of this. Blessed Lord, take this burden off of my shoulders, I cannot carry it. I have to let it go, first. I am weak and I am weary and I lay myself down at Your feet.
Thank you, Lord, for the gift of your Son. It is the only way I understand God, this Son. He is hope and promise and he is light and life, reborn this night. Give me the strength to gather with the cold and lonely and grieved around the light that burns in the stable. Let that light and love pour through me and onto to those who cannot find Him at all.
Amen.
My children are healthy and home. My husband is off of work. We have presents under the tree and will go to our lovely church service tonight and share dinner with our best friends. But, I'm angry and I'm tired and I want someone to come take all the responsibility off of our shoulders. My aunt broke her hip at Thanksgiving and was misdiagnosed until a week ago. She had surgery this week and is now in rehab. My mother in law is a horrible, sick, lonely, sad, on her way to the nursing home person. We have to move her from her assisted living this week and into the nursing home. She is upset about it and I understand that but she thinks she is the only person in the universe.
How long do we serve? I know that what we are doing (without any help from family) is what God intended for us... to serve and honor our elders. But, I am worn out from my own illness and just wanted to have a break.
I am angry (still) at my sister in law for abandoning her mom three years ago. I realize she must live in her own kind of hell but still, it hurts.
I miss my parents. Oh God, I miss my parents. My mom always brought joy and laughter and my dad was always my rock solid support.
I have to turn this thing around. I have to let God do God's will in all of this. Blessed Lord, take this burden off of my shoulders, I cannot carry it. I have to let it go, first. I am weak and I am weary and I lay myself down at Your feet.
Thank you, Lord, for the gift of your Son. It is the only way I understand God, this Son. He is hope and promise and he is light and life, reborn this night. Give me the strength to gather with the cold and lonely and grieved around the light that burns in the stable. Let that light and love pour through me and onto to those who cannot find Him at all.
Amen.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
It's that time of year, when all the holiday cheer makes me wanna sing and tear my hair out.
This is the first Christmas season even that I have identified so strongly with Old Ebeneezer Scrouge:
BAH HUMBUG.
I am looking forward to a few quiet days with my family and I am dreading the responsibilities I have to the elderly amongst us. I realize that my ministry and my desire to be feed spiritually are two different things. However, I also believe there time when you must simply bow your head and take to the task at hand. Even if it is very difficult.
The week of Christmas we will move my MIL to nursing home here in Pflugerville. She if very freaked out about it all and calls to cry. I feel bad but this is just what we have to do now. She cannot care for herself and her money for assisted living is almost gone. We have to find a place that will transition her to medicaid. I think this place will be fine.
My aunt, on the other hand, has a broken hip compliments of Rufus the big red dog. She was misdiagnosed for two weeks and finally I took her the ER on Wednesday and we sat there until they listened. They did an MRI and guess what? She has a broken damned hip. So, tomorrow she should be released to the rehab center that is over on Heatherwilde. We will have to keep an eye on her care level there.
And then, I ITCH. am having horrible rashes and the doctor in er this morning just grunted and handed me prednisone.He was awful. Here is it, night time again and my arms are on fire. I wish I could say I glow with the Spirit in my but actually, I think it's vaseline
BAH HUMBUG.
I am looking forward to a few quiet days with my family and I am dreading the responsibilities I have to the elderly amongst us. I realize that my ministry and my desire to be feed spiritually are two different things. However, I also believe there time when you must simply bow your head and take to the task at hand. Even if it is very difficult.
The week of Christmas we will move my MIL to nursing home here in Pflugerville. She if very freaked out about it all and calls to cry. I feel bad but this is just what we have to do now. She cannot care for herself and her money for assisted living is almost gone. We have to find a place that will transition her to medicaid. I think this place will be fine.
My aunt, on the other hand, has a broken hip compliments of Rufus the big red dog. She was misdiagnosed for two weeks and finally I took her the ER on Wednesday and we sat there until they listened. They did an MRI and guess what? She has a broken damned hip. So, tomorrow she should be released to the rehab center that is over on Heatherwilde. We will have to keep an eye on her care level there.
And then, I ITCH. am having horrible rashes and the doctor in er this morning just grunted and handed me prednisone.He was awful. Here is it, night time again and my arms are on fire. I wish I could say I glow with the Spirit in my but actually, I think it's vaseline
Monday, December 12, 2011
grades are posted and I am sort of wondering, where next?
I managed to finish the semester without bailing on my colleagues. I hope I did a better job at it than last spring. It took all I had and has cost me dearly. I am back at the bottom of the hill and learning to contemplate the height of the climb back up. I have been exhausted and in pain. Today was a spot better and that gave me hope. It is amazing to me how one day of bad symptoms can really take me down to the dumps and leave me there.
I guess it was way more than one day, though. I have been in a downward spiral since Thanksgiving week.
So, no more infusions for now. They are too dangerous. The idea is pursue a 'cleaner' diagnosis to my autoimmune disease. My rheumatologist says it is probably Skorgen's disease. This would explain a lot of my issues. I have to get an eye test done and then a lip biopsy to confirm the diagnosis. It would be good to know something like that. There is no cure but there are treatments and being aware can help you avoid some of the worst health issues.
This whole internet searching and reading is a funny thing. Information is good but not if it is too much and you get nutso about it. I am trying not to do nutso just now. I'll let you know how that goes!
I guess it was way more than one day, though. I have been in a downward spiral since Thanksgiving week.
So, no more infusions for now. They are too dangerous. The idea is pursue a 'cleaner' diagnosis to my autoimmune disease. My rheumatologist says it is probably Skorgen's disease. This would explain a lot of my issues. I have to get an eye test done and then a lip biopsy to confirm the diagnosis. It would be good to know something like that. There is no cure but there are treatments and being aware can help you avoid some of the worst health issues.
This whole internet searching and reading is a funny thing. Information is good but not if it is too much and you get nutso about it. I am trying not to do nutso just now. I'll let you know how that goes!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wow, time is flying and I am crawling on through
I have been trying to hold it all together. I lose sleep and that causes worse pain and then I sleep and I wake up feeling great so I over do. This means, essentially, that the whole cycle repeats. I am beginning to think of myself as a rodent on an exercise wheel. I can only make it go slowly and efficiently. If I try to jump off the wheel and do something different, I will find myself flat on my back, unable to turn over and too weak to climb back on the wheel. My whole goal needs to be stay on that wheel and move it around and pretend I am doing my life. ,,
Life as I once knew it; is gone. However, I don't have to give in. I just need to get friendly with the new dimensions in which I have found myself. My cage is smaller. There are fewer exits and not a lot of snacks. I would love so invite someone over to help me with my Katie sized rodent wheel. Unfortunately, they are all busy on their own wheels of motion. So the question becomes... to what end and I trying so hard for? I need to just be grateful for the days when I can climb on and make the whole thing go. Only then can I look around at the wheels of others and then, despite our differences, we can shout out encouragement to one another.
Life as I once knew it; is gone. However, I don't have to give in. I just need to get friendly with the new dimensions in which I have found myself. My cage is smaller. There are fewer exits and not a lot of snacks. I would love so invite someone over to help me with my Katie sized rodent wheel. Unfortunately, they are all busy on their own wheels of motion. So the question becomes... to what end and I trying so hard for? I need to just be grateful for the days when I can climb on and make the whole thing go. Only then can I look around at the wheels of others and then, despite our differences, we can shout out encouragement to one another.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
sleepless in Pflugerville again
I have been having strange sleep patterns, to say the least. Over the weekend I slept so much between panattack and went to the er on advice of the shrink on call. They gave me metric buttloads of ativan. I guess that with the combo I had during infusion did me in. I slept all day and all night Saturday and Sunday. This morning, Monday, it was hard to get up. I finally got moving and took the kids to the dentist and got costumed for Elizabeth and Chris' party. It wan an interesting diversion and now I am up all night again and I have teach tomorrow. This sucks. I've taken all the pills. Something is going wrong here. Now I'm feeling nervous again. I need to get to work and keep my classes going. I need to clean this house up and take care of the people and animals. I feel overwhelmed. Perhaps that was why I slept. It was escape. I can't do that now. I hope I'm good to drive to school. This work thing is getting me way down. What to do?
Sunday, October 23, 2011
church and choir and all the fellowship I miss...
I am by nature very social and very fond of singing and very fond of worship services. All of this fondness leads me to one place, University United Methodist church in Austin. So, you ask, "why aren't going there anymore?"
Well I figured something out. Stan and I are trying really hard to do God's work and serve the people we have to care for. We are honoring our elders by caring for my mother in law, my aunt is not disabled but she is old and we are her only family here. In between that, we care for our children and try to get the house clean and some stuff repaired each weekend.
Finally, we all have to deal with me. I am basically sick all the time. I can try and normalize things as much as possible but being gone all Sunday morning is just impossible for us at the moment. And I feel really so lost without the choir and worship.
I would rather have the time and energy to spend half the day in worship and fellowship. So I am at an impasse' that I cannot get through..I don't know my way forward. I just pray that I get better and have more energy.
Well I figured something out. Stan and I are trying really hard to do God's work and serve the people we have to care for. We are honoring our elders by caring for my mother in law, my aunt is not disabled but she is old and we are her only family here. In between that, we care for our children and try to get the house clean and some stuff repaired each weekend.
Finally, we all have to deal with me. I am basically sick all the time. I can try and normalize things as much as possible but being gone all Sunday morning is just impossible for us at the moment. And I feel really so lost without the choir and worship.
I would rather have the time and energy to spend half the day in worship and fellowship. So I am at an impasse' that I cannot get through..I don't know my way forward. I just pray that I get better and have more energy.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
sleepless in pflugerville
Let me try this again. My entire computer blew up when I tried to post earlier. I have been up all night with hives, tummy pain and a sort tooth. I hope the endodontist can save the day and find the infection. No one else has thus far. My face is swollen and I am on round two of Augmentin. It hurts and somethings gotta give here.
Praying for an answer tomorrow!
Praying for an answer tomorrow!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
That Thing Again...
I love how everything is a new discovery (over and over ) with this disease. I have brain fog that is frightening, although I hear it is common. So, I think the job thing is going to get decided with or without me. The university has basically lost its confidence in me. I have to say, I am sooo there with them. I've lost my confidence in me too.
Perhaps I should just sing with Julie Andrews, "I have confidence in confidence alone...".
Well, I don't.
But, I cannot get sucked into that hole and stay there, now can I? What did I say in my last post???? Climbing without a harness.... so true.
However, there is a harness. I feel it wrap itself around me when I am at my darkest. Is it Love? Is it my parents, holding me between them with giant arms that reach from heaven? That's what I picture, you know. Giant Arms. They are God's arms. They are Love's arms. They are that thing again that makes me hang onto the hand coming over the cliff....when I want to let go. And damn it, they will pull me up. I have to climb on my own but not too fast or too slow. I cannot go at any pace I have ever known. This is totally up to the Universe. I am merely along for the ride. A speck. A heart that beats and screams into the Darkness. No. No.
There is a place for me. I don't know where and I don't know when, but there is a place. A new place that is not in a college classroom. I have to let go. I have to hang on.
I have to know that I really cannot fall. Or if I do, I will be caught and held.
Perhaps I should just sing with Julie Andrews, "I have confidence in confidence alone...".
Well, I don't.
But, I cannot get sucked into that hole and stay there, now can I? What did I say in my last post???? Climbing without a harness.... so true.
However, there is a harness. I feel it wrap itself around me when I am at my darkest. Is it Love? Is it my parents, holding me between them with giant arms that reach from heaven? That's what I picture, you know. Giant Arms. They are God's arms. They are Love's arms. They are that thing again that makes me hang onto the hand coming over the cliff....when I want to let go. And damn it, they will pull me up. I have to climb on my own but not too fast or too slow. I cannot go at any pace I have ever known. This is totally up to the Universe. I am merely along for the ride. A speck. A heart that beats and screams into the Darkness. No. No.
There is a place for me. I don't know where and I don't know when, but there is a place. A new place that is not in a college classroom. I have to let go. I have to hang on.
I have to know that I really cannot fall. Or if I do, I will be caught and held.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Climbing with no harness...
I tried the home infusion thing again today. It was a mess. I reacted and the nurse was threatening me with an epi pen. It sucked eggs and I feel really bad and painful.
I have to go to the infusion room and continue to do the infusions (IVIG) on a monthly basis.
Sum total: I have to do a lot of things to keep myself healthy.
Getting healthier is going to take work. I need to go to the acupuncturist. I need to walk each day.
I need to be available for my family and not strung out and sick and calling for help every five minutes.
All of this probably means that work is not gonna work for me at this point.
I'll be damned if I'm gonna bail on this semester. It is going and I am doing ok. It just sucks a lot from me and I don't have a lot to spare.
What will we do without my income?
Who will I be without my job?
Why am I thinking of all this when tomorrow is another day and I have work and doctors on the menu?
Can I sort myself out?
Yes. I have to believe that yes... is the answer. If the answer is no then there is no God and I can hang it up.
That is unacceptable.
God has shown me over and over that there is a power greater than us or me. God will provide.
I do not say that blindly or in the hopes something "magic" will occur. I have to grasp the hand that is coming over the cliff to break my fall. I have to climb back up under my own power.
As for how that all works, I have no idea. It does not matter that I have a graduate degree in theology or have thought deeply about it all. It is... Mystery.
I need some smoke and mirrors just now. I need some awe and wonder. I need to put my arm around that hand, grasp firmly and start climbing.
That's all.
I have to go to the infusion room and continue to do the infusions (IVIG) on a monthly basis.
Sum total: I have to do a lot of things to keep myself healthy.
Getting healthier is going to take work. I need to go to the acupuncturist. I need to walk each day.
I need to be available for my family and not strung out and sick and calling for help every five minutes.
All of this probably means that work is not gonna work for me at this point.
I'll be damned if I'm gonna bail on this semester. It is going and I am doing ok. It just sucks a lot from me and I don't have a lot to spare.
What will we do without my income?
Who will I be without my job?
Why am I thinking of all this when tomorrow is another day and I have work and doctors on the menu?
Can I sort myself out?
Yes. I have to believe that yes... is the answer. If the answer is no then there is no God and I can hang it up.
That is unacceptable.
God has shown me over and over that there is a power greater than us or me. God will provide.
I do not say that blindly or in the hopes something "magic" will occur. I have to grasp the hand that is coming over the cliff to break my fall. I have to climb back up under my own power.
As for how that all works, I have no idea. It does not matter that I have a graduate degree in theology or have thought deeply about it all. It is... Mystery.
I need some smoke and mirrors just now. I need some awe and wonder. I need to put my arm around that hand, grasp firmly and start climbing.
That's all.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Wow. A new post so soon!
Today is a red letter day. By that I mean that God smacked me again and beamed me over the head. That is how my relationship with the Divine is: I get thunked on the head a lot. Here's the story: I have a cold. I overslept my doctor's appointment and generally felt cruddy this morning. So, I decided to go with it for once. I have had a slow day. Samuel brought a friend home from school and Hannah Beth went home with another girl. I've just been hanging out.
So, the phone rang and it was the United healthcare nurse calling again. They call me once a month to check on me and once I got over my general suspicion that the insurance industry could have anything positive to say, I started talking with them. It is never the same lady but is always a registered nurse. I asked her some questions today and she said something that had not sunk in before. What I have, the overlap connective tissue disease: It's lupus. I have not given it that name. Naming it helps somehow. It means owning it, I guess. It isn't classic lupus so I had not given it that name. I was still telling myself that it was something less serious and that I did not have anything "like that." But, you know, I do. It feels like coming out of the closet with something. I have lupus. There. I said it.
It makes me feel somehow empowered. I can name it and own it and ultimately it will not speak for me. I am more than a disease. I am a person with a disease that is sometimes bad and can kill you earlier than you want to be killed. But, it does not define me. It does not have to. Somehow there is a difference. Somehow God created me and I am diseased and imperfect and I'm here anyway. And I will suffer. I will make decisions other people don't have to make. But it's okay.
Hi, I'm Katie and I have lupus. And I'm a mom. And a teacher. And a writer. And a damned good lover and wife. I am so much more than the disease can name.
I won't ever get back to "normal" whatever that was. I will always have this disease. But I'll be damned if it will have me.
With God on my side and the knowledge that I am my own best friend and cheerleader, I think I can do this thing. At least, I can do it today. And that's enough. That is, after all, all I have. Or you have. Or any of us have. I am Katie with lupus but still Katie. And nothing can change that.
So, the phone rang and it was the United healthcare nurse calling again. They call me once a month to check on me and once I got over my general suspicion that the insurance industry could have anything positive to say, I started talking with them. It is never the same lady but is always a registered nurse. I asked her some questions today and she said something that had not sunk in before. What I have, the overlap connective tissue disease: It's lupus. I have not given it that name. Naming it helps somehow. It means owning it, I guess. It isn't classic lupus so I had not given it that name. I was still telling myself that it was something less serious and that I did not have anything "like that." But, you know, I do. It feels like coming out of the closet with something. I have lupus. There. I said it.
It makes me feel somehow empowered. I can name it and own it and ultimately it will not speak for me. I am more than a disease. I am a person with a disease that is sometimes bad and can kill you earlier than you want to be killed. But, it does not define me. It does not have to. Somehow there is a difference. Somehow God created me and I am diseased and imperfect and I'm here anyway. And I will suffer. I will make decisions other people don't have to make. But it's okay.
Hi, I'm Katie and I have lupus. And I'm a mom. And a teacher. And a writer. And a damned good lover and wife. I am so much more than the disease can name.
I won't ever get back to "normal" whatever that was. I will always have this disease. But I'll be damned if it will have me.
With God on my side and the knowledge that I am my own best friend and cheerleader, I think I can do this thing. At least, I can do it today. And that's enough. That is, after all, all I have. Or you have. Or any of us have. I am Katie with lupus but still Katie. And nothing can change that.
Friday, September 2, 2011
I'm still here
It has been a long time since I posted. I am having difficulty seeing due to an eye medication so this may come out with strange errors. This is a strange time. A lot of things are changing both within me and without. I am back at work part time and the kids are in school. Our week days are full of just getting to school and work and
back and doing the homework, cooking the healthy meal etc. The challenges of daily life are mine again. I am no longer too sick to handle them. I am, it seems, fragile. This was my first week back at work and I tried to be Super at everything and just wore myself out. I have to keep comparing back to where I was a few months ago. I was non functional. My existence was so small and I did not take care of anything. It is scary going back to a semblance of what I was before. I have to be smart about it. I think I'm learning.
I don't want anyone to think I am all "fixed' and demand more of me. I feel like that is the case sometimes. In reality that is probably me projecting what I expect of myself.
Yesterday and today I felt my body flare in pain and swelling. A few months ago, it would have ended in the emergency room. I'm not going there. I think I have the tools, the medication and the understanding how to avoid going to a place where they really can't help me anyway.
I am very nervous about starting home infusions again. I have to do it and hope it will succeed but it was such a disaster last time.
All I can say is that this disease and really taken a large bit out of me. I have been going once a week to the urologist for "installations." Basically I get catheterized and they pour meds in my bladder to calm it down.
Yesterday I started having spasms there again and today's treatment was very painful. I also make weekly trips to the acupuncturist. I continue to work on my diet. I am joining the local fitness center and will go there because it is open 24 hours a day. I think I can carve some time in that kind o f availability.
I have learned that things don'e really get easier; they just become more familiar.That is certainly true of death. I do not cry as much for my mom anymore. The pain is still horrible and aching but I am used to it. And I don't miss what all she had to go through those last two years. I miss the active mom; the one who mothered me as her baby, always.
My daughter is getting all grown up and clearly becoming her own woman. I am proud but scared!
Samuel is a continual challenge. He may have a will of iron and want to everything his way. But, he will not win. I will teach him. He is, though, a soft and gentle boy and I am proud of that.
Stan is my partner but I seldom really see him. He just works and trudges around caring for everyone and his mother too. I worry about him.
But, I can't. I cannot change anything or anyone. All I can do is effect change in myself. I can learn to live with grace in the body I am in. It may not be ideal or function like I wish it would but it is the only one I have.
I've go to take care of me first so I can meet the needs of my loved ones and my students.
It will be done.
back and doing the homework, cooking the healthy meal etc. The challenges of daily life are mine again. I am no longer too sick to handle them. I am, it seems, fragile. This was my first week back at work and I tried to be Super at everything and just wore myself out. I have to keep comparing back to where I was a few months ago. I was non functional. My existence was so small and I did not take care of anything. It is scary going back to a semblance of what I was before. I have to be smart about it. I think I'm learning.
I don't want anyone to think I am all "fixed' and demand more of me. I feel like that is the case sometimes. In reality that is probably me projecting what I expect of myself.
Yesterday and today I felt my body flare in pain and swelling. A few months ago, it would have ended in the emergency room. I'm not going there. I think I have the tools, the medication and the understanding how to avoid going to a place where they really can't help me anyway.
I am very nervous about starting home infusions again. I have to do it and hope it will succeed but it was such a disaster last time.
All I can say is that this disease and really taken a large bit out of me. I have been going once a week to the urologist for "installations." Basically I get catheterized and they pour meds in my bladder to calm it down.
Yesterday I started having spasms there again and today's treatment was very painful. I also make weekly trips to the acupuncturist. I continue to work on my diet. I am joining the local fitness center and will go there because it is open 24 hours a day. I think I can carve some time in that kind o f availability.
I have learned that things don'e really get easier; they just become more familiar.That is certainly true of death. I do not cry as much for my mom anymore. The pain is still horrible and aching but I am used to it. And I don't miss what all she had to go through those last two years. I miss the active mom; the one who mothered me as her baby, always.
My daughter is getting all grown up and clearly becoming her own woman. I am proud but scared!
Samuel is a continual challenge. He may have a will of iron and want to everything his way. But, he will not win. I will teach him. He is, though, a soft and gentle boy and I am proud of that.
Stan is my partner but I seldom really see him. He just works and trudges around caring for everyone and his mother too. I worry about him.
But, I can't. I cannot change anything or anyone. All I can do is effect change in myself. I can learn to live with grace in the body I am in. It may not be ideal or function like I wish it would but it is the only one I have.
I've go to take care of me first so I can meet the needs of my loved ones and my students.
It will be done.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
I'm still here...
2:00 a.m. Sunday morning, Aug. 5.
My sleep is screwed up: no surprise there. I thought I would just get up and take some time to write. Life is better, currently. It is still touch and go with my health but on the whole, it is improving. I have more and more days of feeling human. Less sick means less depression for me so it really is a circle. I am, however, constantly aware of how easily things go off of balance and spin out of control.
Having a diagnosis (Overlap tissue disease) makes it easier to deal with in a mental sense but not always in the physical. This disease is sneaky and can pounce on me just when I think I have it beaten into its own corner. Fatigue is my nemesis and can wrap its fingers around my neck and make me gasp in pain.
I am finally learning the lesson of live and let live. There is no longer any choice. I can barely live for me and my own family; much less worry about anyone else or what they think of me.
there are many things I miss. I miss my own spontaneity. I miss the old Katie who could, just make things happen out of sheer force of will. She's gone. She has become planning and methodical. Without plans, she is never sure (even with)that something will come to fruition. It could just fizzle away while I stay in bed, flattened.
The one thing I am certain of now is that Health is no longer a right. It is a privilege. I much treat it with respect and yet let go of it to some degree. I find this really difficult still.
I am much more clear on some things. My family is who I have made and been fortunate enough to be in a reciprocal relationship of love with. My family is not really my blood relations. They are fine enough people but are not there, and are often at odds with each other. I cannot insert myself there and waste precious energy.
I miss my mom. Each and every day I try to remember her kiss and her smell and her softness. No one else feels the way my mama does. No one else can ever hold me that close. She is close by me and I know she and daddy are happy together. I just mourn them and feel like the third wheel, left behind. I miss Pat every day too. I know sh e is better off and loves her new job of being everywhere at once but I am jealous of the old physical Pat that was here with me.
By some miracle I have Don, who loves me and Allie who is my companion in arms. Their wisdom and love for me and my family is the sweetness that is left us.
I pray for forgiveness in my selfishness, understanding in my me need and wisdom in my pain. And most of the time, I know I am heard and loved. This is really all we can ask. Help me, Lord, to remember this.
Katie
My sleep is screwed up: no surprise there. I thought I would just get up and take some time to write. Life is better, currently. It is still touch and go with my health but on the whole, it is improving. I have more and more days of feeling human. Less sick means less depression for me so it really is a circle. I am, however, constantly aware of how easily things go off of balance and spin out of control.
Having a diagnosis (Overlap tissue disease) makes it easier to deal with in a mental sense but not always in the physical. This disease is sneaky and can pounce on me just when I think I have it beaten into its own corner. Fatigue is my nemesis and can wrap its fingers around my neck and make me gasp in pain.
I am finally learning the lesson of live and let live. There is no longer any choice. I can barely live for me and my own family; much less worry about anyone else or what they think of me.
there are many things I miss. I miss my own spontaneity. I miss the old Katie who could, just make things happen out of sheer force of will. She's gone. She has become planning and methodical. Without plans, she is never sure (even with)that something will come to fruition. It could just fizzle away while I stay in bed, flattened.
The one thing I am certain of now is that Health is no longer a right. It is a privilege. I much treat it with respect and yet let go of it to some degree. I find this really difficult still.
I am much more clear on some things. My family is who I have made and been fortunate enough to be in a reciprocal relationship of love with. My family is not really my blood relations. They are fine enough people but are not there, and are often at odds with each other. I cannot insert myself there and waste precious energy.
I miss my mom. Each and every day I try to remember her kiss and her smell and her softness. No one else feels the way my mama does. No one else can ever hold me that close. She is close by me and I know she and daddy are happy together. I just mourn them and feel like the third wheel, left behind. I miss Pat every day too. I know sh e is better off and loves her new job of being everywhere at once but I am jealous of the old physical Pat that was here with me.
By some miracle I have Don, who loves me and Allie who is my companion in arms. Their wisdom and love for me and my family is the sweetness that is left us.
I pray for forgiveness in my selfishness, understanding in my me need and wisdom in my pain. And most of the time, I know I am heard and loved. This is really all we can ask. Help me, Lord, to remember this.
Katie
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Mayo and home again
Well, I did it. I went to Mayo for 10 days on my own. It was tough but I am very glad I went. The 8 specialists I saw over those days and the never ending tests paid off. I have a diagnosis: overlap connective tissue disease. It is sort of like a rheumatological hodge podge. I have some symptoms of lupus, some of rheumatoid arthritis and some other shit.
There is no cure. I will just fight it with immunosupressant drugs (the one I am on started as an antimalarial).
I need to keep taking my infusions because they will help my entire system. I need to eat right. Live my life stress free and exercise.
And I am trying alternative medicine and taking acupuncture.
I think this has been harder for my family than it has for me.. They don't know what to say to me or what to expect. I upset people and cause others to yell by just being. It is very frustrating. The only solution I know of is to keep to myself about the disease. They really don't want to hear anymore about it.I guess it is frightening and they cannot get their minds around it all. Frankly, it is sort of lonely spot to be in.
But, that is what it is.
Stan is a stress ball from work and the kids are moody. I just cannot go from one to the next with emotional support just now.
My most fervent hope and prayer is that I can get back into fighting mode so I can be there as an emotional screen for the kids. I know that sounds whacked but that is how it works here. Right now, things are NOT working well.
There is no cure. I will just fight it with immunosupressant drugs (the one I am on started as an antimalarial).
I need to keep taking my infusions because they will help my entire system. I need to eat right. Live my life stress free and exercise.
And I am trying alternative medicine and taking acupuncture.
I think this has been harder for my family than it has for me.. They don't know what to say to me or what to expect. I upset people and cause others to yell by just being. It is very frustrating. The only solution I know of is to keep to myself about the disease. They really don't want to hear anymore about it.I guess it is frightening and they cannot get their minds around it all. Frankly, it is sort of lonely spot to be in.
But, that is what it is.
Stan is a stress ball from work and the kids are moody. I just cannot go from one to the next with emotional support just now.
My most fervent hope and prayer is that I can get back into fighting mode so I can be there as an emotional screen for the kids. I know that sounds whacked but that is how it works here. Right now, things are NOT working well.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
pain with joy mixed in
I am in a lot of pain. My bones and joints burn because they hurt so bad. I am exhausted beyond belief for trying to teach today. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I just want to stay drugged and asleep until it is over.
But life isn't like that, there is joy mixed in inside my bucket of pain.
Samuel and Collin are bundles of 11 year old boy joy. They love being together. They love eating from the same container of noodles. Now they are making their own juice with the new juicer. They are so happy and so sweet. Don't get me wrong, they are smelly and slightly obnoxious but I love to listen to their banter in the kitchen.
It makes me want to find a way to stop this pain. It is stealing from me. Henceforth, Pain,
YOU ARE PUT ON NOTICE. I will eradicate you by whatever means necessary. I will call the Mayo for a sooner appointment every day. I will wait impatiently for rheumatologist here in Austin and expect too much but figure he won't deliver.
Put me on that plane to Jacksonville. I'm ready to go. This pain and fatigue are on their last days. NoT ME.
But life isn't like that, there is joy mixed in inside my bucket of pain.
Samuel and Collin are bundles of 11 year old boy joy. They love being together. They love eating from the same container of noodles. Now they are making their own juice with the new juicer. They are so happy and so sweet. Don't get me wrong, they are smelly and slightly obnoxious but I love to listen to their banter in the kitchen.
It makes me want to find a way to stop this pain. It is stealing from me. Henceforth, Pain,
YOU ARE PUT ON NOTICE. I will eradicate you by whatever means necessary. I will call the Mayo for a sooner appointment every day. I will wait impatiently for rheumatologist here in Austin and expect too much but figure he won't deliver.
Put me on that plane to Jacksonville. I'm ready to go. This pain and fatigue are on their last days. NoT ME.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
dead birds and cats that have nothing to do with each other...
So, I have not yet blogged about the big news here. On Monday evening, Momo was murdered by the Jack Russell dogs down the street. Samuel had him on his shoulder and went into the yard with the dogs. We had told him no to and he did not believe us. It is horrible. Samuel now blames himself for the death of his "best friend" and saw it all go down. We are all grieving. That little, green pecker had grown on us. I miss his noises and his sweet kisses.
So rest in peace, little, feathered prince. We love you.
Onto other animal news: Norman, the indoor fat cat killed a mouse. Yes. We had a mouse in the house and now all we have is a pile of cat barf with bones in it.... lovely. Oh, and the refrigerator (technically not an animal) is making a noise like I imagine the Titanic made as her engines fought the oncoming deluge. It is a sort of hopeless, strangled noise: uherrrrhuffhuff, uherrhuffhuffhuff wheeze....
So onto deeper issues. I am going to the Mayo, Florida on May 15. I hope I make it until then. I am really sick and just trying to survive. I have a Malar type rash on my face and I hurt and have fever constantly. It is hard to just keep moving. I worked all day today and can hardly move at all. My stomach is a wreck from all the pain killers at the hospital this weekend. My goodness but the hospitalist was an a-hole. I thought I was having a heart attack... definitely. He did an ekg and I did a stress test. He also took a lot of blood, every two hours in a fresh spot, all night. He did not find a heart problem so he let me go with xanax. He would not let them give me enough pain med. He purposefully let me suffer. I took a moment to read the blood work tests today and ALOT of things were out of the normal range but he chose to not even talk about them.
This is why I am going all the way to Mayo. Our hospital system is broken. If you are not physically broken, where they can see it, you are a "bother."
My immunologist has tried and failed and says,"Mayo." I asked him about the rheumatologists here in Austin and he was silent....
I hope and pray I can make it to the date in Florida and that I can avoid the hospital until then.
So rest in peace, little, feathered prince. We love you.
Onto other animal news: Norman, the indoor fat cat killed a mouse. Yes. We had a mouse in the house and now all we have is a pile of cat barf with bones in it.... lovely. Oh, and the refrigerator (technically not an animal) is making a noise like I imagine the Titanic made as her engines fought the oncoming deluge. It is a sort of hopeless, strangled noise: uherrrrhuffhuff, uherrhuffhuffhuff wheeze....
So onto deeper issues. I am going to the Mayo, Florida on May 15. I hope I make it until then. I am really sick and just trying to survive. I have a Malar type rash on my face and I hurt and have fever constantly. It is hard to just keep moving. I worked all day today and can hardly move at all. My stomach is a wreck from all the pain killers at the hospital this weekend. My goodness but the hospitalist was an a-hole. I thought I was having a heart attack... definitely. He did an ekg and I did a stress test. He also took a lot of blood, every two hours in a fresh spot, all night. He did not find a heart problem so he let me go with xanax. He would not let them give me enough pain med. He purposefully let me suffer. I took a moment to read the blood work tests today and ALOT of things were out of the normal range but he chose to not even talk about them.
This is why I am going all the way to Mayo. Our hospital system is broken. If you are not physically broken, where they can see it, you are a "bother."
My immunologist has tried and failed and says,"Mayo." I asked him about the rheumatologists here in Austin and he was silent....
I hope and pray I can make it to the date in Florida and that I can avoid the hospital until then.
Friday, April 8, 2011
making it through the week...
I am slogging, no jogging just now. I am working my way through the week. There is pain and fatigue and papers to grade. But I am here. I realized this morning how lovely the dogs and cat and bird are. They are always happy to see me.
The house is quiet except for me and the beasts. The bird is chirping and trying out new calls to get me over to his cage. Xena is snoring. Rufus is right at my feet, hoping I will pet him.
Penny is sleeping alone, worn out by the action. Norman is on the kitchen table and said hi when I came downstairs. I told him to get off the table. We have this conversation over and over and over and he wins. He is furry and cute and has a sort of kitty authority over us all. The fish is doing whatever he does. We don't talk much.
In any case, I am not alone.
Praise be to God for the Beasts.
The house is quiet except for me and the beasts. The bird is chirping and trying out new calls to get me over to his cage. Xena is snoring. Rufus is right at my feet, hoping I will pet him.
Penny is sleeping alone, worn out by the action. Norman is on the kitchen table and said hi when I came downstairs. I told him to get off the table. We have this conversation over and over and over and he wins. He is furry and cute and has a sort of kitty authority over us all. The fish is doing whatever he does. We don't talk much.
In any case, I am not alone.
Praise be to God for the Beasts.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Club Mayo?
Well I just might take a bite out of the old health sandwich and go to Mayo. I am serious about getting on with my life. I talked to Therapist Lady yesterday and went over all my reasons for and against Mayo. Before I was done, she said, "Are you asking my opinion?" I was.
The answer was very clear: "Get your ass up there." She pointed out that I have choices that others don't really have and that I should use them. I should use everything at my disposal to get my body back on track so I can do my life. I am a mom, a wife and a teacher... I have work to do. And... there is so much more I want to do. I am just in this little, mental box, thinking "what if it's a waste and it's too much money? What if I just whine too loud? Maybe I will be well by then..."
I DO WHINE TOO LOUD.
I think I have put off friends with all of this and that makes me sad. Number one is that my kids are suffering. And not far behind, my husband is suffering. He is my partner and I need to hold up my end of the deal. And, my relationship with God is definitely in turmoil. It is so hard to get Him on the phone these days. I know it is a two-way, covenatal street. I am not working on my end. My spirit feels flogged.
Perhaps an expensive and medically nasty week will help with that too. I dunno.
I'll quit whining now.
The answer was very clear: "Get your ass up there." She pointed out that I have choices that others don't really have and that I should use them. I should use everything at my disposal to get my body back on track so I can do my life. I am a mom, a wife and a teacher... I have work to do. And... there is so much more I want to do. I am just in this little, mental box, thinking "what if it's a waste and it's too much money? What if I just whine too loud? Maybe I will be well by then..."
I DO WHINE TOO LOUD.
I think I have put off friends with all of this and that makes me sad. Number one is that my kids are suffering. And not far behind, my husband is suffering. He is my partner and I need to hold up my end of the deal. And, my relationship with God is definitely in turmoil. It is so hard to get Him on the phone these days. I know it is a two-way, covenatal street. I am not working on my end. My spirit feels flogged.
Perhaps an expensive and medically nasty week will help with that too. I dunno.
I'll quit whining now.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
I hope you DANCE...
Good grief. I have been attacked by an Ohrwurm today (ear worm... a song that keeps repeating).
I am afraid it is Leann Womack's "I hope you dance."
I even watched the Little Mermaid and her preteen daughter version on YouTube. Gawd: help me.
But, I know where it came from..besides the radio. It played on my way to see my friend the therapist. I know her well because she and her husband got Hannah Beth through the hell of puberty.
We have a lot in common with them. He is an old German whose grandparents were ranch owners in Spring Branch. They also love all things New Mexico and dog:)
Unfortunately for us and fortunately for them, they are retiring in a couple of months and moving to the promised land (NM).
Anyway, I digress.
I talked about my mom. I cried a lot. It was good and exhausting. The damn song made me think of all the generations of women in my line whom I love. In particular, it sounded like my mama singing that to me. In turn, I want all those things for my Hannah Beth. Feeling things is so damned hard. But, I'm gonna dance. I am going to teach Hannah Beth to dance the best I can. And every time I let go and wallow in the wonder that is, I will think of you, mama.
I know you are dancing.
I am afraid it is Leann Womack's "I hope you dance."
I even watched the Little Mermaid and her preteen daughter version on YouTube. Gawd: help me.
But, I know where it came from..besides the radio. It played on my way to see my friend the therapist. I know her well because she and her husband got Hannah Beth through the hell of puberty.
We have a lot in common with them. He is an old German whose grandparents were ranch owners in Spring Branch. They also love all things New Mexico and dog:)
Unfortunately for us and fortunately for them, they are retiring in a couple of months and moving to the promised land (NM).
Anyway, I digress.
I talked about my mom. I cried a lot. It was good and exhausting. The damn song made me think of all the generations of women in my line whom I love. In particular, it sounded like my mama singing that to me. In turn, I want all those things for my Hannah Beth. Feeling things is so damned hard. But, I'm gonna dance. I am going to teach Hannah Beth to dance the best I can. And every time I let go and wallow in the wonder that is, I will think of you, mama.
I know you are dancing.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
church and choir and what I desire
HI. Long time no post. Sorry. I have been just dead dog ill for a month. In the meantime, I have had a lot of time to think. My life is too complicated. I have to simplify. My ideal of that would be: don't go to work. My mother in law would magically get better and not need help three times a week. My kids would have no needs and just be loving and supportive at all times. My siblings would be in perfect harmony and bliss. Oh yeah, and my parents would be alive.
Then, if of the above things are in place and my health stops giving me hell, I would be the perfect Pflugerville to downtown driver and choir member. I would participate in the life of my church and be a happy, well balanced human.
That is simply not happening at this point. I am doing well to get to church services some of the time.
To be honest, this leaves a pretty big hole in my life. But for now, it is a hole I have to fill with getting my life done and doing chores and grading and caring for elderly on Sunday.
My life is not all bad... by any means. I have a lovely home, a nice job and superior children. I even like my spouse 90% of the time. The gifts and blessings are legion. I just need to accept what is and quit fighting so hard. I am perfectionist and life is not perfect. Somehow or the other, I need to give the whole thing over to God and admit I am not in charge.
That is my prayer.
Then, if of the above things are in place and my health stops giving me hell, I would be the perfect Pflugerville to downtown driver and choir member. I would participate in the life of my church and be a happy, well balanced human.
That is simply not happening at this point. I am doing well to get to church services some of the time.
To be honest, this leaves a pretty big hole in my life. But for now, it is a hole I have to fill with getting my life done and doing chores and grading and caring for elderly on Sunday.
My life is not all bad... by any means. I have a lovely home, a nice job and superior children. I even like my spouse 90% of the time. The gifts and blessings are legion. I just need to accept what is and quit fighting so hard. I am perfectionist and life is not perfect. Somehow or the other, I need to give the whole thing over to God and admit I am not in charge.
That is my prayer.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
babies and the future
Mazel Tov. My new great niece, Kyle Sarah Saltzman is a lovely young lady of 6 pounds. I got to hold her and watch her sleep. Babies are tiny buddhas. They have the peace of God clinging all over them. It was a joy to be with her and with my niece, Leah and her family. Leah, eleven years my junior, is in many ways my little sister.
I am so proud of her!
Rock on, Leah and Sammy, Seth, Scotty and Kylie!
and Benny the Mutt and Bella and Smokey cat.
I know Maw Maw would be very proud. Our kids are the future. I hope they do as well and assume they will do better than my generation.
I am so proud of her!
Rock on, Leah and Sammy, Seth, Scotty and Kylie!
and Benny the Mutt and Bella and Smokey cat.
I know Maw Maw would be very proud. Our kids are the future. I hope they do as well and assume they will do better than my generation.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
I haven't been here....
Wow. The last two weeks are a blurry head trip. I have been really sick and in the hospital twice. I still feel fairly crappy and low.
I know I have chronic, mild depression; been there, diagnosed that. But SHIT.
Would someone please turn the lights back on? 911 shrink.
Which is to say, I feel like my feelings are whacked. I have been reading too much stuff online. I think I need a 12 step group for that. It is folk wisdom and some of it is probably pretty 'folked' up.
And yet, on and on I read... searching for answers to the black cloud in my head and the cramp in my side.
Woman... get thee to thy shrink.
I know I have chronic, mild depression; been there, diagnosed that. But SHIT.
Would someone please turn the lights back on? 911 shrink.
Which is to say, I feel like my feelings are whacked. I have been reading too much stuff online. I think I need a 12 step group for that. It is folk wisdom and some of it is probably pretty 'folked' up.
And yet, on and on I read... searching for answers to the black cloud in my head and the cramp in my side.
Woman... get thee to thy shrink.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
sick of sick or how do I dig myself out?
I have not posted here for awhile because I've been too sick. I spent the weekend in the hospital and had an upper endoscopy done on Monday. I left the hospital with an unresolved UTI and was told to follow up with my dr. So, I saw her on Thursday and she said, "urologist."
I finally saw one today and the infection has worsened a great deal since I left the hospital. I had not been given the correct antibiotic for the infection.
The hospital was a nightmare. I went in on Thursday at 9 pm because I was spewing out both ends for hours and in a great deal of pain. I was also bleeding. It took three hours to get a room and then I was told I had a bladder infection and on top of that all the other stuff, they were admitting me. I got into a room at 6:00a.m. They treated me with iv antibiotics, fluids and pain meds but I never saw the same doctor twice and no one ever called in a specialist when my infection did not clear. Instead, they told me to go home and deal with it separately. I seemed to be taking up space they needed. Then they lost my medications. I am just really angry. Here it is, Wednesday, and I have just been told by the urologist that the hospital should have given me the right meds and I wouldn't be this sick.
I feel worn out and run over and like I've fallen down this deep hole of Katie's crappy health.
I cannot find the bottom of the hole. I just keep falling. Every once in awhile I grab onto a foothold or handhold and think I have myself balanced, and then... WHAM.
I want to get healthier. I am trying. Everyone and their dog has an opinion of how I am not doing it right or whatever or maybe, just maybe that I'm nuts. I don't know what to believe myself anymore.
I have been off of gluten for 10 weeks and think it helps. I got positive tests for Celiac's which sort of made that more the point. I was excited about it. Today, I find out that the gastro saw no signs of Celiac damage when he biopsied my stomach on Monday. So what does that mean? I will see him in two weeks.
So am I doing this gluten thing for no reason? Am I really getting better? WTF?
I'm confused and sad and tired and I wish my parents were here to tell me how to make things all better.
The hospital was very lonely. In my family we always stay by the bedside of the sick person and watch over their care. No one could do that for me this week. Stan had to take care of the kids. It was scary.
Maybe I will sleep now and dream of no pain and no doctors.
I finally saw one today and the infection has worsened a great deal since I left the hospital. I had not been given the correct antibiotic for the infection.
The hospital was a nightmare. I went in on Thursday at 9 pm because I was spewing out both ends for hours and in a great deal of pain. I was also bleeding. It took three hours to get a room and then I was told I had a bladder infection and on top of that all the other stuff, they were admitting me. I got into a room at 6:00a.m. They treated me with iv antibiotics, fluids and pain meds but I never saw the same doctor twice and no one ever called in a specialist when my infection did not clear. Instead, they told me to go home and deal with it separately. I seemed to be taking up space they needed. Then they lost my medications. I am just really angry. Here it is, Wednesday, and I have just been told by the urologist that the hospital should have given me the right meds and I wouldn't be this sick.
I feel worn out and run over and like I've fallen down this deep hole of Katie's crappy health.
I cannot find the bottom of the hole. I just keep falling. Every once in awhile I grab onto a foothold or handhold and think I have myself balanced, and then... WHAM.
I want to get healthier. I am trying. Everyone and their dog has an opinion of how I am not doing it right or whatever or maybe, just maybe that I'm nuts. I don't know what to believe myself anymore.
I have been off of gluten for 10 weeks and think it helps. I got positive tests for Celiac's which sort of made that more the point. I was excited about it. Today, I find out that the gastro saw no signs of Celiac damage when he biopsied my stomach on Monday. So what does that mean? I will see him in two weeks.
So am I doing this gluten thing for no reason? Am I really getting better? WTF?
I'm confused and sad and tired and I wish my parents were here to tell me how to make things all better.
The hospital was very lonely. In my family we always stay by the bedside of the sick person and watch over their care. No one could do that for me this week. Stan had to take care of the kids. It was scary.
Maybe I will sleep now and dream of no pain and no doctors.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Happy Birthday, Mom
Hi Mommy.
This is your 80th. I know you planned to be here for it. We miss you so much. I hope you are having a great, big party in heaven: lots of wine and snacks:)
If you run into Jesus, tell him you would like to see the water into wine trick, and no cheap stuff either.
Let daddy and grandfather have a highball. Maybe you and grandmother can go shopping at some cosmic version of Ross. You can dig around and find a bargain set of wings. Or, if Nana wants to take you to lunch and then shopping, go for it. Just don't let BomBom drive; you could get killed.
I wonder what Uncle Rusty is doing there? I hope he has lots of pets. Please give everyone a kiss from me and know that for me, you are forever my mommy. Katie
This is your 80th. I know you planned to be here for it. We miss you so much. I hope you are having a great, big party in heaven: lots of wine and snacks:)
If you run into Jesus, tell him you would like to see the water into wine trick, and no cheap stuff either.
Let daddy and grandfather have a highball. Maybe you and grandmother can go shopping at some cosmic version of Ross. You can dig around and find a bargain set of wings. Or, if Nana wants to take you to lunch and then shopping, go for it. Just don't let BomBom drive; you could get killed.
I wonder what Uncle Rusty is doing there? I hope he has lots of pets. Please give everyone a kiss from me and know that for me, you are forever my mommy. Katie
Monday, February 7, 2011
The Rhetorical Triangle
Pathos: My heart is breaking. Look at me. I am naked and underfed. My skin clings to me like plastic wrap. The pit of Sheol is my home. Look at me.
Ethos: Abandoning me is wrong. It will come to you in a dream that I have been left behind. You will know this was a bad decision. You will know my pain.
Logos: The word is made flesh and dwelt among us. God is with us. We are not along. Praise be to God.
Ethos: Abandoning me is wrong. It will come to you in a dream that I have been left behind. You will know this was a bad decision. You will know my pain.
Logos: The word is made flesh and dwelt among us. God is with us. We are not along. Praise be to God.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Closets
I am thinking
Why do I always clean the closets-
The animal hair-
The detritus of this family?
Do I expect it to stay clean?
For order to be returned to the chaos of my universe?
It won't be.
My life will still remain hairy and full of abandoned things.
And in the far corners I will look for control,
And find none.
Why do I always clean the closets-
The animal hair-
The detritus of this family?
Do I expect it to stay clean?
For order to be returned to the chaos of my universe?
It won't be.
My life will still remain hairy and full of abandoned things.
And in the far corners I will look for control,
And find none.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Effing cold... freezing people... literally.
So nothing was canceled today. It is 15 degrees in Austin and we all had to function like normal. Except that is wasn't normal. We have had rolling blackouts. It makes me think what it must be like in countries where that is the norm. We take a lot for granted.
Yesterday I saw a homeless person leaning into a shopping cart, unconscious in the cold. I was on my way and late to something but I could not drive by and not do anything. Frankly, the person looked dead. I called 911 and reported the person and the location so someone could check it out. I feel rather cowardly for not stopping to investigate myself but I was not up to that. But... how many people are sleeping on the streets on these cold, cold nights? Why are there? How in the hell does a wealthy society allow this? I don't understand.
I hope the person I saw and reported was just stone drunk and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. I did not hear of a death reported on the news. But, then again, maybe it would not be news.
Why does God allow this suffering? Damned good question.
God does not allow it. It is. We are. The world is broken and people freeze to death in one of the wealthiest nations on earth. Yet, God is there somewhere. Christ is there, freezing on the sidewalk.
I just read Lamb: the gospel according to Biff (JC's bff). It is hilarious but spot on. The Jesus (Josh) portrayed in the book is doubtful and angry at times. In the end, he goes to the cross to make a point to his dad.. suffering ends here... no more.
It was an interesting pitch to the story. There were gaps, to be sure. But, it was compelling somehow to think of Jesus Christ as angry with his dad... so angry he would let himself be killed to make a point. What a rebellious child. That would totally piss me off and make me want to kill my kid for that sort of thing:)
But, it was compelling nonetheless.
Does God know about our suffering? Does God give a crap?
I have to say yes. I cannot look at the empty tomb and say no. In the end, at all costs, there is mercy. Maybe it is a call from 911. Maybe it is a bottle of gin. But, out of the chaos comes hope and grace and love. Hope. Grace. Love.
May all three surround the people on our streets today.
Yesterday I saw a homeless person leaning into a shopping cart, unconscious in the cold. I was on my way and late to something but I could not drive by and not do anything. Frankly, the person looked dead. I called 911 and reported the person and the location so someone could check it out. I feel rather cowardly for not stopping to investigate myself but I was not up to that. But... how many people are sleeping on the streets on these cold, cold nights? Why are there? How in the hell does a wealthy society allow this? I don't understand.
I hope the person I saw and reported was just stone drunk and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. I did not hear of a death reported on the news. But, then again, maybe it would not be news.
Why does God allow this suffering? Damned good question.
God does not allow it. It is. We are. The world is broken and people freeze to death in one of the wealthiest nations on earth. Yet, God is there somewhere. Christ is there, freezing on the sidewalk.
I just read Lamb: the gospel according to Biff (JC's bff). It is hilarious but spot on. The Jesus (Josh) portrayed in the book is doubtful and angry at times. In the end, he goes to the cross to make a point to his dad.. suffering ends here... no more.
It was an interesting pitch to the story. There were gaps, to be sure. But, it was compelling somehow to think of Jesus Christ as angry with his dad... so angry he would let himself be killed to make a point. What a rebellious child. That would totally piss me off and make me want to kill my kid for that sort of thing:)
But, it was compelling nonetheless.
Does God know about our suffering? Does God give a crap?
I have to say yes. I cannot look at the empty tomb and say no. In the end, at all costs, there is mercy. Maybe it is a call from 911. Maybe it is a bottle of gin. But, out of the chaos comes hope and grace and love. Hope. Grace. Love.
May all three surround the people on our streets today.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Just around the corner...
Sometimes I feel like mama is just around the next corner.
I will turn and see her there.
I will feel her arms about me and snuffle my nose in her hair.
But then she isn't and I feel lost, and small and clumsy and scared.
I cannot tell anyone about these non-encounters.
They wouldn't understand.
It's just crazy 'ol me, looking around corners.
And wishing that she was there.
I will turn and see her there.
I will feel her arms about me and snuffle my nose in her hair.
But then she isn't and I feel lost, and small and clumsy and scared.
I cannot tell anyone about these non-encounters.
They wouldn't understand.
It's just crazy 'ol me, looking around corners.
And wishing that she was there.
Friday, January 28, 2011
tough days
Well, yesterday I had my immune system infusion and it did not go well. I feel pretty badly today and just want to stay curled up in a ball. It is so hard for Stan when I am like this. I know it is hard for the kids too. I just freeze.
I hate my health and my issues. I wish I were someone else. I know that is stupid, though. A lot of people have it way worse than me. I just have days like these when I feel sort of alone and detached. I'm sure I am unpleasant to be around.
Lord give me patience to do the next right thing. Should I go to the doctor? Do I have a sinus infection? Why do I hurt so badly?
I need to work and earn a living. Having two jobs just now is a little confusing. I am ready to have just one job at athletics if they will take me. I will miss St. Ed's horribly if I leave but it seems like the hand writing is on the wall there. I am grateful I seem to have an alternative.
And yet, what about this failing, crappy body of mine? Will it let me work and care for this family? I have to. There is no choice in the matter. I just have to pull myself together and paste on a smile. Today is just a tough day. I am sure tomorrow will be better.
I hate my health and my issues. I wish I were someone else. I know that is stupid, though. A lot of people have it way worse than me. I just have days like these when I feel sort of alone and detached. I'm sure I am unpleasant to be around.
Lord give me patience to do the next right thing. Should I go to the doctor? Do I have a sinus infection? Why do I hurt so badly?
I need to work and earn a living. Having two jobs just now is a little confusing. I am ready to have just one job at athletics if they will take me. I will miss St. Ed's horribly if I leave but it seems like the hand writing is on the wall there. I am grateful I seem to have an alternative.
And yet, what about this failing, crappy body of mine? Will it let me work and care for this family? I have to. There is no choice in the matter. I just have to pull myself together and paste on a smile. Today is just a tough day. I am sure tomorrow will be better.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
clothing blues
Does anyone else get the clothing blues? I have them, bad. I have not been buying many clothes and all of a sudden I feel like the drabbest, pudgiest, most middle ageist woman on the planet.
I know it is dumb and sort of self centered. I mean, our 'outer layer' does not matter much.
But, all the same, I like my outer layer to look somewhat orderly.
I think this has to do with my mom. She was a clothes horse of massive proportions. She left behind a lot of nice clothes, some of which I have worn in the last few months. But, I am feeling weird about that. I am also feeling weird about the fact that I threw out stuff that was too big but am still too fat for some of her things. That makes me feel bad.
I am sort of being my own inner mom....
She would have been the first to tell me I look sort of drab.
I miss that honesty. I miss the irritant that only my mother could be to me.
I miss her mommy smell.
I miss her.
I know it is dumb and sort of self centered. I mean, our 'outer layer' does not matter much.
But, all the same, I like my outer layer to look somewhat orderly.
I think this has to do with my mom. She was a clothes horse of massive proportions. She left behind a lot of nice clothes, some of which I have worn in the last few months. But, I am feeling weird about that. I am also feeling weird about the fact that I threw out stuff that was too big but am still too fat for some of her things. That makes me feel bad.
I am sort of being my own inner mom....
She would have been the first to tell me I look sort of drab.
I miss that honesty. I miss the irritant that only my mother could be to me.
I miss her mommy smell.
I miss her.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
This I Believe
I have given my St. Ed's students a "This I Believe" assignment again. I find it is a good way for us to all get to know one another at the beginning of the semester and it gives me a writing sample.
I can't believe (pun intended) that NPR stopped the program again. I guess they felt overwhelmed by the number of essays. Well, I never got mine turned in so they need to re-start the show:)
Over the semesters I have used this for an assignment I always give out "my" topic to use in the examples and outlines I give. So, this week I have been talking to the students about my deep and abiding faith in cookies.
So, without further adieu, we now have an essay from Katie Kelfer-Taylor, for "This I Believe." cue music....
"Cookies"
I believe in the power of cookies to heal the heart and soothe the savage appetite.
Whenever I am in some sort of spiritual crisis or great amount of worry, I have found that cookies can solve nearly all global issues: simply and sweetly.
This is a solution taught to my siblings and I by our father. As a child, one of my favorite activities for late and sleepless nights (of which I had many) was to meet my dear daddy at the door to the refrigerator or cabinet for a clandestine cookie raid. My mother did not sanction this behavior. She believed that people who are born short and tend towards stocky, like me and dad, had no business consuming sweet things. She did, however, bake and provide them. So, on some level, she wanted us to be happy.
And we were. There were no restrictions or limits on late night cookie eating. You were there because you were sleepy or felt crappy or needed companionship. Daddy's thinking was that if you pretended you were asleep, you could not be held responsible for the piggy nature of your actions. Also, the calories DID NOT COUNT.
My sister and brother share this deep appreciation for all things cookie. This fall, after our mom passed away from cancer, my brother and I got together and the first thing we did was polish off a bag of cookies. I don't know the existential reason for it, but it helped.
My sister, who is fit and trim and fights to stay above cookie worship, has had her moments. I remember she told me once that her husband occasionally finds her in the morning, asleep with cookie crumbs on her chest and a smile on her face.
I think that sort of says it all. Whatever issue was too hard to bear has been banished if not abolished. The darkness of reality was successfully repelled. The weapon? Sweet and gooey or crisp and crunchy, The Cookie is always ready to do battle.
I use to see this as a failure. But now, with my parents gone and the world a pretty scary place, I embrace it.
Sweet oblivion, even with calories, is not a bad place to be.
I can't believe (pun intended) that NPR stopped the program again. I guess they felt overwhelmed by the number of essays. Well, I never got mine turned in so they need to re-start the show:)
Over the semesters I have used this for an assignment I always give out "my" topic to use in the examples and outlines I give. So, this week I have been talking to the students about my deep and abiding faith in cookies.
So, without further adieu, we now have an essay from Katie Kelfer-Taylor, for "This I Believe." cue music....
"Cookies"
I believe in the power of cookies to heal the heart and soothe the savage appetite.
Whenever I am in some sort of spiritual crisis or great amount of worry, I have found that cookies can solve nearly all global issues: simply and sweetly.
This is a solution taught to my siblings and I by our father. As a child, one of my favorite activities for late and sleepless nights (of which I had many) was to meet my dear daddy at the door to the refrigerator or cabinet for a clandestine cookie raid. My mother did not sanction this behavior. She believed that people who are born short and tend towards stocky, like me and dad, had no business consuming sweet things. She did, however, bake and provide them. So, on some level, she wanted us to be happy.
And we were. There were no restrictions or limits on late night cookie eating. You were there because you were sleepy or felt crappy or needed companionship. Daddy's thinking was that if you pretended you were asleep, you could not be held responsible for the piggy nature of your actions. Also, the calories DID NOT COUNT.
My sister and brother share this deep appreciation for all things cookie. This fall, after our mom passed away from cancer, my brother and I got together and the first thing we did was polish off a bag of cookies. I don't know the existential reason for it, but it helped.
My sister, who is fit and trim and fights to stay above cookie worship, has had her moments. I remember she told me once that her husband occasionally finds her in the morning, asleep with cookie crumbs on her chest and a smile on her face.
I think that sort of says it all. Whatever issue was too hard to bear has been banished if not abolished. The darkness of reality was successfully repelled. The weapon? Sweet and gooey or crisp and crunchy, The Cookie is always ready to do battle.
I use to see this as a failure. But now, with my parents gone and the world a pretty scary place, I embrace it.
Sweet oblivion, even with calories, is not a bad place to be.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
sick kids suck
My kiddos have been sick with a tummy bug for a couple of days. They are such babies still when it comes to being sick. They want me to know EVERYTHING. They want me to pat their heads and scratch their backs and say, "awwwww."
I should not be so impatient but I have been sick so much the last couple of years that my misery tolerance is somehow lower. I want them to: GO BACK TO SCHOOL. I don't know if I have it. I am very achy and tired but I did FOMAK yesterday.
Samuel just announced another barf. Yeah.
Barf ON!
I should not be so impatient but I have been sick so much the last couple of years that my misery tolerance is somehow lower. I want them to: GO BACK TO SCHOOL. I don't know if I have it. I am very achy and tired but I did FOMAK yesterday.
Samuel just announced another barf. Yeah.
Barf ON!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
FOMAK
This is my new abbreviated phrase: Fall On My Ass Knees.
That is what I did today. I did not even know I had Ass Knees, but I do. I fell on my knees and then my ass on the way into UT this morning. It was quite a jolt. My left knee is unhappy and my back hurts. But... Thank God nothing broke. A nice looking young man on a bike stopped and tried to help me. He was so cute!
I was all cleaned up and trying to look cool and what do I do???? FOMAK.
That is what I did today. I did not even know I had Ass Knees, but I do. I fell on my knees and then my ass on the way into UT this morning. It was quite a jolt. My left knee is unhappy and my back hurts. But... Thank God nothing broke. A nice looking young man on a bike stopped and tried to help me. He was so cute!
I was all cleaned up and trying to look cool and what do I do???? FOMAK.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Life
Kids are barfing....
Dogs are stinking...
My mind is shrinking.
Oh shit I want to complain.
Then I think and sometimes remember
Nothing ever stays the same..
Each day passes, either good or bad.
I can't control them, only live through them and hope..
I gave them the best I had.
There was good today.
I won't forget.
Focus on the promise.
Remember the gift.
Dogs are stinking...
My mind is shrinking.
Oh shit I want to complain.
Then I think and sometimes remember
Nothing ever stays the same..
Each day passes, either good or bad.
I can't control them, only live through them and hope..
I gave them the best I had.
There was good today.
I won't forget.
Focus on the promise.
Remember the gift.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Exposure: toxic
I must have gotten into some gluten tonight. We stopped at Taco Cabana and I ate a salad but there must have been something in the meat or the rice and beans. The response was almost instant and is still with me. I had to take some pain meds so now I cannot sleep, even though I'm very tired. I have thrown up a bit too but am trying to avoid an er visit. I am just going to muscle this out the best I can.
I have to say that when this happens to me and I spend a night like this I feel really lonely. Stan leaves the room (for his own sleep preservation) and the dogs steer clear of me.
I guess I should try to look on the bright side of this. It seems to clearly indicate that gluten free is helping. So, how do I get up and haul HB to the doctor early in the morning? Don't know. Too bad the meds don't give a happy high. OWWWWW. It still hurts. Damn it. What do I do?
I have to say that when this happens to me and I spend a night like this I feel really lonely. Stan leaves the room (for his own sleep preservation) and the dogs steer clear of me.
I guess I should try to look on the bright side of this. It seems to clearly indicate that gluten free is helping. So, how do I get up and haul HB to the doctor early in the morning? Don't know. Too bad the meds don't give a happy high. OWWWWW. It still hurts. Damn it. What do I do?
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Energy!
I had some energy today. It was amazing. I got stuff done and then I exercised with the Kinect dance video.
I felt/ feel really grateful. I am not even in much pain. I am so used to feeling fairly crappy and getting by that I don't know what to do with this. I just pray it lasts.
I am still freaked out about school starting next week but I need to chill out. It will happen and I will be there and there is nothing I can do to "fix" it. I will make it to both campuses or I won't. I will find out when I get there.
I wish I had been born a Buddhist instead of a MethoJew. I think I might be calmer... By the way, for the uninitiated, a MethoJew is a kid with a Jewish daddy and a Schicksa mama who grew up in the United Methodist Church. After much cognition and theology and years of self examination, my friend, David, told me a few months ago, "don't you know you are a MethoJew?" I did not know that. But, yes, I am.
I shall never be either fish nor fowl. I do not completely feel like I fit in a Methodist church at times and I do feel I fit in at the Temple. But, there is this irritating question of theology. I am a (very closeted Jesus freak).
I do not believe there is one path. There are many, many paths to God. They vary by culture and time. But, the Jesus thing works for me. I believe God gives a damn enough to contact us through human flesh. I am not sure how it all works but I think it occurs right on the cross. Right there, God steps in and says, "This one is mine. I am feeling you, man.."
Or something like that.
But, I wish I had known more Judaism as a child. It is a very safe world that echoes very, very deeply. I have tried to learn but I know I will always be a half assed Jew.
In this time and this place I am a MethoJew. I am seeking but never completely found. But, then again, maybe I should quit thinking so much!
I felt/ feel really grateful. I am not even in much pain. I am so used to feeling fairly crappy and getting by that I don't know what to do with this. I just pray it lasts.
I am still freaked out about school starting next week but I need to chill out. It will happen and I will be there and there is nothing I can do to "fix" it. I will make it to both campuses or I won't. I will find out when I get there.
I wish I had been born a Buddhist instead of a MethoJew. I think I might be calmer... By the way, for the uninitiated, a MethoJew is a kid with a Jewish daddy and a Schicksa mama who grew up in the United Methodist Church. After much cognition and theology and years of self examination, my friend, David, told me a few months ago, "don't you know you are a MethoJew?" I did not know that. But, yes, I am.
I shall never be either fish nor fowl. I do not completely feel like I fit in a Methodist church at times and I do feel I fit in at the Temple. But, there is this irritating question of theology. I am a (very closeted Jesus freak).
I do not believe there is one path. There are many, many paths to God. They vary by culture and time. But, the Jesus thing works for me. I believe God gives a damn enough to contact us through human flesh. I am not sure how it all works but I think it occurs right on the cross. Right there, God steps in and says, "This one is mine. I am feeling you, man.."
Or something like that.
But, I wish I had known more Judaism as a child. It is a very safe world that echoes very, very deeply. I have tried to learn but I know I will always be a half assed Jew.
In this time and this place I am a MethoJew. I am seeking but never completely found. But, then again, maybe I should quit thinking so much!
Discipline
Discipline Schmiscipline.
Don't like it.
Must have it or nothing gets done.
And then we are left with:
Nothing.
Dirty house.
Smelly animals.
Children running free and unsupervised.
Hmmmm.
It doesn't sound so bad if you are a pet or a child.
Can I be a golden retriever?
I want to run: smelly and undisciplined...
Into the sun.
Don't like it.
Must have it or nothing gets done.
And then we are left with:
Nothing.
Dirty house.
Smelly animals.
Children running free and unsupervised.
Hmmmm.
It doesn't sound so bad if you are a pet or a child.
Can I be a golden retriever?
I want to run: smelly and undisciplined...
Into the sun.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Trust...that what you can give is enough.
I just had to give my daughter a pep talk. She is on the school science team primarily because it is where her friends hang out. They are immensely competitive and she worries that her "average" science will drag them down. She said if it were a writing contest or drawing, she could kick butt. True. But, I have been trying to get across to her that sometimes just being there is enough.
I don't think I have been a very good example of this.
My rules for myself and for those I love are often too harsh. I only accept everyone's best. Maybe I am learning that just showing up is okay too. If anything, being a parent will beat that into your head. I certainly am not always at my best as a parent... or as a teacher. Some days, we phone it in and just try to hold the phone.
I wonder if the Divine already knows that about us? Maybe His/Her expectations are that we do our best but that sometimes it's ok if we only show up for the job. I don't know. I have always felt that I had to go 110% on everything or I had failed. That is a tough set up. I see that now.
Hmmm. Food for thought on a early Friday morning... I need to get ready for my St. Ed's classes. What I am doing here is pretty clear: PROCRASTINATION!
I don't think I have been a very good example of this.
My rules for myself and for those I love are often too harsh. I only accept everyone's best. Maybe I am learning that just showing up is okay too. If anything, being a parent will beat that into your head. I certainly am not always at my best as a parent... or as a teacher. Some days, we phone it in and just try to hold the phone.
I wonder if the Divine already knows that about us? Maybe His/Her expectations are that we do our best but that sometimes it's ok if we only show up for the job. I don't know. I have always felt that I had to go 110% on everything or I had failed. That is a tough set up. I see that now.
Hmmm. Food for thought on a early Friday morning... I need to get ready for my St. Ed's classes. What I am doing here is pretty clear: PROCRASTINATION!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Glutton Free
Well, I have been off of gluten for four weeks now and diagnosed with Celiac's for a week. I am definitely better. There is quite a learning curve involved but I think I am getting there. My dear, adopted brother has labeled my new life style as : glutton free living. Not true!
I can still find ways to pig out and gain weight:) So, I think the "poor me, I better eat an extra gluten free cookie" days are over.
They better be or I'm going to be the fattest gluten free girl around.
I can still find ways to pig out and gain weight:) So, I think the "poor me, I better eat an extra gluten free cookie" days are over.
They better be or I'm going to be the fattest gluten free girl around.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Hi God; it's me, Katie.
I am so scared of my new schedule. I think I can do it but I am worried about my body holding up. I have to trust this will all come out okay. I have some great opportunities before me and I don't want to mess them up!
I have to remember that I am not the driver here. I forget that on a moment by moment basis... sort of like the fish, Dory, in "Finding Nemo." I think I am all that and all in control and stuff and then I cannot park my car well.
I'm blind.
I really cannot see out of one eye and I don't do corners. You know how there is a blind spot over your shoulder when you drive? Mine is HUGE. I realize this means no one will want to ride with me but hey, I'm pretty good.
I just don't do corners. I try to ignore them or just plow over them. That is a pretty good metaphor for how I deal with God in my life. I try to drive over Him and cut the corners without looking. Perhaps I need to re-think that.
I have to remember that I am not the driver here. I forget that on a moment by moment basis... sort of like the fish, Dory, in "Finding Nemo." I think I am all that and all in control and stuff and then I cannot park my car well.
I'm blind.
I really cannot see out of one eye and I don't do corners. You know how there is a blind spot over your shoulder when you drive? Mine is HUGE. I realize this means no one will want to ride with me but hey, I'm pretty good.
I just don't do corners. I try to ignore them or just plow over them. That is a pretty good metaphor for how I deal with God in my life. I try to drive over Him and cut the corners without looking. Perhaps I need to re-think that.
computationally challenged
After I started this thing yesterday, I announced it on Facebook. But, I could not tell anyone how to get to it!
How silly is that? I seriously dislike the part of myself that cannot handle the computer or that gets lost driving home. Why is that? I wonder if it has anything to do with my right eye not working. Parts of me are just non-functional. Weird. I am functional in most other ways...just challenged.
Maybe that's the point. What would life be without the challenge? I seem to seek them out. I really am living Wesley's "moving on toward perfection" but in SLOW MOTION.
Today I return to UT athletics after a twelve year hiatus. I will go back to work six hours a week with the student athletes and do what I can for them. I was once so at home there. It will be strange to return but exciting.
I dearly love St. Edward's but I cannot afford to count on them for my only work. They are not going to hire me full-time and I cannot even get three courses a semester. It just is not enough to pay the bills. So, back to UT I go....
This semester I will be in both places. On MWF I will leave the house at 7:00 and go to UT. I will teach there from 8-10 and then go to St. Ed's. My classes there are at 11 and 12. It is going to be tight but I have to do it.
Strength. Peace. Deep Cleansing Breaths.
How silly is that? I seriously dislike the part of myself that cannot handle the computer or that gets lost driving home. Why is that? I wonder if it has anything to do with my right eye not working. Parts of me are just non-functional. Weird. I am functional in most other ways...just challenged.
Maybe that's the point. What would life be without the challenge? I seem to seek them out. I really am living Wesley's "moving on toward perfection" but in SLOW MOTION.
Today I return to UT athletics after a twelve year hiatus. I will go back to work six hours a week with the student athletes and do what I can for them. I was once so at home there. It will be strange to return but exciting.
I dearly love St. Edward's but I cannot afford to count on them for my only work. They are not going to hire me full-time and I cannot even get three courses a semester. It just is not enough to pay the bills. So, back to UT I go....
This semester I will be in both places. On MWF I will leave the house at 7:00 and go to UT. I will teach there from 8-10 and then go to St. Ed's. My classes there are at 11 and 12. It is going to be tight but I have to do it.
Strength. Peace. Deep Cleansing Breaths.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
professorkatiemommy tries a blog
I tried a poetry blog once. I found the exposure too much. But, times have changed and we all talk about ourselves on facebook. I now read other blogs and really appreciate what folks have to say. So, I am going to try it again. This blog will contain essays and poetry that I write. Most all of it is self-referential.
If anyone reads it, cool. If not, it is an electronic version of the journals I used to keep by the bed.
By way of introduction, I am a mother of two humans and multiple pets. I teach part-time at a local University, English, and occasionally at a bigger University (Go Longhorns!). In my dark and distant past I was a United Methodist minister. I still have a call but believe it now to be in teaching more than in preaching. I am married to my childhood sweetheart, who is the best thing God ever game me. He is a software developer and has a PhD in German linguistics. (I know...:) I have been blessed abundantly in this life but still struggle to live the walk and not just talk it. Here is me:
Today I read a witness posted written by my deceased uncle, Russell Kelfer. Reading his work, which has long survived him, made me realize that words are the things that speak down through time. They nourish and flourish with a life of their own. They really are immortal. Perhaps that is what I am seeking. I realize on this day in 2011 that I am middle aged: Forty five and now both parents are deceased. I have been rushing through life, caring for children, teaching and surviving. But now, today, I think there needs to be more.
My health has been precarious and not a little scary of late. I have an autoimmune disorder that is treated each month with an IVIG infusion and now have found I have Celiac's disease and God knows what else.
I am dis-eased. I need a spiritual cure as well as a medical one and I know it. Today I consciously re-gave my heart to my Lord. I am a liberal, progressive type Christian and frankly, doubt is easier than belief.
I am praying to be open to His will and power in my life. I know it is there. I have always known. I had just forgotten and grown angry and distant from Him.
The connecting thread in all this is my uncle. He suffered a great deal physically throughout his relatively short life and yet he did the Work he was sent to do. He was dogged about it. I like the image he used in the piece I read: God uses the broken to show others the way to healing. (That is not exactly what Uncle Rusty said but what I got.) I'm broken. I'm tired and scared.
My sweet daddy, Harold, and my sweet mommy, Kathy, both died from cancer. Both were my theological mentors. I was fortunate to have them: very fortunate. Uncle Rusty was a known factor in my life but not close. Family politics and world-view kept us all apart. And yet, he spoke to me today. I feel like he sent me a message from my family: being broken is okay. "Fear not, then said the angel..." and today I heard.
And the angel told me to speak. And so I have, "The Word is made flesh and dwelt among us, glory to God in the highest."
If anyone reads it, cool. If not, it is an electronic version of the journals I used to keep by the bed.
By way of introduction, I am a mother of two humans and multiple pets. I teach part-time at a local University, English, and occasionally at a bigger University (Go Longhorns!). In my dark and distant past I was a United Methodist minister. I still have a call but believe it now to be in teaching more than in preaching. I am married to my childhood sweetheart, who is the best thing God ever game me. He is a software developer and has a PhD in German linguistics. (I know...:) I have been blessed abundantly in this life but still struggle to live the walk and not just talk it. Here is me:
Today I read a witness posted written by my deceased uncle, Russell Kelfer. Reading his work, which has long survived him, made me realize that words are the things that speak down through time. They nourish and flourish with a life of their own. They really are immortal. Perhaps that is what I am seeking. I realize on this day in 2011 that I am middle aged: Forty five and now both parents are deceased. I have been rushing through life, caring for children, teaching and surviving. But now, today, I think there needs to be more.
My health has been precarious and not a little scary of late. I have an autoimmune disorder that is treated each month with an IVIG infusion and now have found I have Celiac's disease and God knows what else.
I am dis-eased. I need a spiritual cure as well as a medical one and I know it. Today I consciously re-gave my heart to my Lord. I am a liberal, progressive type Christian and frankly, doubt is easier than belief.
I am praying to be open to His will and power in my life. I know it is there. I have always known. I had just forgotten and grown angry and distant from Him.
The connecting thread in all this is my uncle. He suffered a great deal physically throughout his relatively short life and yet he did the Work he was sent to do. He was dogged about it. I like the image he used in the piece I read: God uses the broken to show others the way to healing. (That is not exactly what Uncle Rusty said but what I got.) I'm broken. I'm tired and scared.
My sweet daddy, Harold, and my sweet mommy, Kathy, both died from cancer. Both were my theological mentors. I was fortunate to have them: very fortunate. Uncle Rusty was a known factor in my life but not close. Family politics and world-view kept us all apart. And yet, he spoke to me today. I feel like he sent me a message from my family: being broken is okay. "Fear not, then said the angel..." and today I heard.
And the angel told me to speak. And so I have, "The Word is made flesh and dwelt among us, glory to God in the highest."
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