I'm still here

It has been a long time since I posted.  I am having difficulty seeing due to an eye medication so this may come out with strange errors.  This is a strange time.  A lot of things are changing both within me and without.   I am back at work part time and the kids are in school.  Our week days are full of just getting to school and work and
back and doing the homework, cooking the healthy meal etc.  The challenges of daily life are mine again.  I am no longer too sick to handle them.  I am, it seems, fragile.  This was my first week back at work and I tried to be Super at everything and just wore myself out.  I have to keep comparing back to where I was a few months ago.  I was non functional.  My existence was so small and I did not take care of anything.  It is scary going back to a semblance of what I was before.  I  have to be smart about it.  I think I'm learning.
I don't want anyone to think I am all "fixed' and demand more of me.  I feel like that is the case sometimes.  In reality that is probably me projecting what I expect of myself.
Yesterday and today I felt my body flare in pain and swelling.  A few months ago, it would have ended in the emergency room.  I'm not going there.  I think I have the tools, the medication and the understanding how to avoid going to a place where they really can't help me anyway.
I am very nervous about starting home infusions again.  I have to do it and hope it will succeed but it was such a disaster last time.
All I can say is that this disease and really taken a large bit out of me.  I have been going once a week to the urologist for "installations." Basically I get catheterized and they pour meds in my bladder to calm it down.
Yesterday I started having spasms there again and today's treatment was very painful.  I also make weekly trips to the acupuncturist.  I continue to work on my diet.  I am joining the local fitness center and will go there because it is open 24  hours a day.  I think I can carve some time in that kind o f availability.  
I have learned that things don'e really get easier; they just become more familiar.That is certainly true of death.  I do not cry as much for my mom anymore.  The pain is still horrible and aching but I am used to it.  And I don't miss what all she had to go through those last two years.  I miss the active mom; the one who  mothered me as her baby, always.
My daughter is getting all grown up and clearly  becoming her own woman.  I am proud but scared!
Samuel is a continual challenge.  He may have a will of iron and want to everything his way.  But, he will not win.  I will teach him.  He is, though, a soft and gentle boy and I am proud of that.
Stan is my partner but I seldom really see him.  He just works and trudges around caring for everyone and his mother too.  I worry about him.
But, I can't.  I cannot change anything or anyone.  All I can do is effect change in myself.  I can learn to live with grace in the body I am in.  It may not be ideal or function like I wish it would but it is the only one I have.
I've go to take care of me first so I can meet the needs of my loved ones and my students.
It will  be done.