dead birds and cats that have nothing to do with each other...

So, I have not yet blogged about the big news here. On Monday evening, Momo was murdered by the Jack Russell dogs down the street.  Samuel had him on his shoulder and went into the yard with the dogs.  We had told him no to and he did not believe us.  It is horrible.  Samuel now blames himself for the death of his "best friend" and saw it all go down.  We are all grieving.  That little, green pecker had grown on us.  I miss his noises and his sweet kisses. 
So rest in peace, little, feathered prince.  We love you. 
Onto other animal news: Norman, the indoor fat cat killed a mouse.  Yes.  We had a mouse in the house and now all we have is a pile of cat barf with bones in it.... lovely.  Oh, and the refrigerator (technically not an animal) is making a noise like I imagine the Titanic made as her engines fought the oncoming deluge.  It is a sort of hopeless, strangled noise: uherrrrhuffhuff, uherrhuffhuffhuff wheeze....

So onto deeper issues.  I am going to the Mayo, Florida on May 15. I hope I make it until then.  I am really sick and just trying to survive.  I have a Malar type rash on my face and I hurt and have fever constantly.  It is hard to just keep moving.  I worked all day today and can hardly move at all.   My stomach is a wreck from all the pain killers at the hospital this weekend.  My goodness but the hospitalist  was an a-hole.  I thought I was having a heart attack... definitely.  He did an ekg and I did a stress test.  He also took a lot of blood, every two hours in a fresh spot, all night.  He did not find a heart problem so he let me go with xanax.  He would not let them give me enough pain med.  He purposefully let me suffer.  I took a moment to read the blood work tests today and ALOT of things were out of the normal range but he chose to not even talk about them.

This is why I am going all the way to Mayo.  Our hospital system is broken.  If you are not physically broken, where they can see it, you are a "bother."

My immunologist has tried and failed and says,"Mayo."  I asked him about the rheumatologists here in Austin and he was silent....
I hope and pray I can make it to the date in Florida and that I can avoid the hospital until then. 

making it through the week...

I am slogging, no jogging just now. I am working my way through the week.  There is pain and fatigue and papers to grade. But I am here.  I realized this morning how lovely the dogs and cat and bird are.  They are always happy to see me. 
The house is quiet except for me and the beasts.  The bird is chirping and trying out new calls to get me over to his cage.  Xena is snoring.  Rufus is right at my feet, hoping I will pet him.
Penny is sleeping alone, worn out by the action.  Norman is on the kitchen table and said hi when I came downstairs.  I told him to get off the table.  We have this conversation over and over and over and he wins.  He is furry and cute and has a sort of kitty authority over us all.  The fish is doing whatever he does.  We don't talk much.
 In any case, I am not alone. 

Praise be to God for the Beasts.

Club Mayo?

Well I just might take a bite out of the old health sandwich and go to Mayo.  I am serious about getting on with my life.  I talked to Therapist Lady yesterday and went over all my reasons for and against Mayo.  Before I was done, she said, "Are you asking my opinion?" I was. 
The answer was very clear: "Get your ass up there."  She pointed out that I have choices that others don't really have and that I should use them.  I should use everything at my disposal to get my body back on track so I can do my life.  I am a mom, a wife and a teacher... I have work to do.  And... there is so much more I want to do.  I am just in this little, mental box, thinking "what if it's a waste and it's too much money?  What if I just whine too loud?  Maybe I will be well by then..."
I DO WHINE TOO LOUD.
I think I have put off friends with all of this and that makes me sad.  Number one is that my kids are suffering. And not far behind, my husband is suffering.  He is my partner and I need to hold up my end of the deal.  And, my relationship with God is definitely in turmoil.  It is so hard to get Him on the phone these days.  I know it is a two-way, covenatal  street.  I am not working on my end.  My spirit feels flogged.

Perhaps an expensive and medically nasty week will help with that too.  I dunno.
I'll quit whining now.