Lots to convey but I am so tired.

Today we settled on the nursing home for my MOT.  It is not the one we planned on but the other place turned at to be awful and concerned about having their beds filled with rehab. and could not accommodate a move date. They were real assholes. Hopefully this thing will work out fine.  It is the one where Allie just went for her rehab and is just close by to us all.  Helping Kathryn to pack was awful .   I don't think we can go through this again.  I hope it is the last move for her.  She cried and was scared to bathe because the 'boys' were watching so I told her I would keep her safe and bathed her.  Stan was useless.  
Allie is at least back in her apartment so that is something.  I booked a three night getaway for us.  WE hare headed off the grid.
wonder what Kathryn's prognosis is at this point.  Probably not great. I'm depressed.  I feel like there is this long, long tunnel and we never seems to get out.  Maybe there were will light on Friday.  I hope so.  Stan is so dejected that it scares me.   I think he needs  but that will be up to him.  At least he is seeing a therapist.  No I have to find one!

Christmas eve in elderly ville

I am trying to be grateful.  I am grateful.
  My children are healthy and home. My husband is off of work.  We have presents under the tree and will go to our lovely church service tonight and share dinner with our best friends.  But, I'm angry and I'm tired and I want someone to come take all the responsibility off of our shoulders.  My aunt broke her hip at Thanksgiving and was misdiagnosed until a week ago.  She had surgery this week and is now in rehab.  My mother in law is a horrible, sick, lonely, sad, on her way to the nursing home person.  We have to move her from her assisted living this week and into the nursing home.  She is upset about it and I understand that but she thinks she is the only person in the universe.
How long do we serve?  I know that what we are doing (without any help from family) is what God intended for us... to serve and honor our elders.  But, I am worn out from my own illness and just wanted to have a break.
I am angry (still) at my sister in law for abandoning her mom three years ago.  I realize she must live in her own kind of hell but still, it hurts.
 I miss my parents.  Oh God, I miss my parents.  My mom always brought joy and laughter and my dad was always my rock solid support.
I have to turn this thing around.  I have to let God do God's will in all of this.  Blessed Lord, take this burden off of my shoulders, I cannot carry it.  I have to let it go, first.  I am weak and I am weary and I lay myself down at Your feet.
Thank you, Lord, for the gift of your Son.  It is the only way I understand God, this Son.  He is hope and promise and he is light and life, reborn this night.  Give me the strength to gather with the cold and lonely and grieved around the light that burns in the stable.  Let that light and love pour through me and onto to those who cannot find Him at all.
Amen.

It's that time of year, when all the holiday cheer makes me wanna sing and tear my hair out.

This is the first Christmas season even that I have identified so strongly with Old Ebeneezer Scrouge:
BAH HUMBUG.

I am looking forward to a few quiet days with my family and I am dreading the responsibilities I have to the elderly amongst us.  I realize that my ministry and my desire to be feed spiritually are two different things.  However, I also believe there time when you must simply bow your head and take to the task at hand.  Even if it is very difficult.

The week of Christmas we will move my MIL to  nursing home here in Pflugerville.  She if very freaked out about it all and calls to cry.  I feel bad but this is just what we have to do now.  She cannot care for herself  and her money for assisted living is almost gone.  We have to find a place that will transition her to medicaid.  I think this place will be fine.
My aunt, on the other hand, has a broken hip compliments of Rufus the big red dog.  She was misdiagnosed for two weeks and finally I took her the ER on Wednesday and we sat there until they listened.  They did an MRI and guess what?  She has a broken damned hip.  So, tomorrow she should be released to the rehab center that is over on Heatherwilde.   We will have to keep an eye on her care level there.
And then, I ITCH. am having horrible rashes and the doctor in er this morning just grunted and handed me prednisone.He was awful.  Here is it, night time again and my arms are on fire.   I wish I could say I glow with the Spirit in my but actually, I think it's vaseline

grades are posted and I am sort of wondering, where next?

I managed to finish the semester without bailing on my colleagues.   I hope I did a better job at it than last spring.  It took all I had and has cost me dearly.  I am back at the bottom of the hill and learning to contemplate the height of the climb back up.  I have been exhausted and in pain.  Today was a spot better and that gave me hope.  It is amazing to me how one day of bad symptoms can really take me down to the dumps and leave me there.
I guess it was way more than one day, though.  I have been in a downward spiral since Thanksgiving week.
So, no more infusions for now.  They are too dangerous.  The idea is pursue a 'cleaner' diagnosis to my autoimmune disease.  My rheumatologist says it is probably Skorgen's disease.  This would explain a lot of my issues.  I have to get an eye test done and then a lip biopsy to confirm the diagnosis.  It would be good to know something like that.  There is no cure but there are treatments and being aware can help you avoid some of the worst health issues.
This whole internet searching and reading is a funny thing.  Information is good but not if it is too much and you get nutso about it.  I am trying not to do nutso just now.  I'll let you know how that goes!