I tried the home infusion thing again today. It was a mess. I reacted and the nurse was threatening me with an epi pen. It sucked eggs and I feel really bad and painful.
I have to go to the infusion room and continue to do the infusions (IVIG) on a monthly basis.
Sum total: I have to do a lot of things to keep myself healthy.
Getting healthier is going to take work. I need to go to the acupuncturist. I need to walk each day.
I need to be available for my family and not strung out and sick and calling for help every five minutes.
All of this probably means that work is not gonna work for me at this point.
I'll be damned if I'm gonna bail on this semester. It is going and I am doing ok. It just sucks a lot from me and I don't have a lot to spare.
What will we do without my income?
Who will I be without my job?
Why am I thinking of all this when tomorrow is another day and I have work and doctors on the menu?
Can I sort myself out?
Yes. I have to believe that yes... is the answer. If the answer is no then there is no God and I can hang it up.
That is unacceptable.
God has shown me over and over that there is a power greater than us or me. God will provide.
I do not say that blindly or in the hopes something "magic" will occur. I have to grasp the hand that is coming over the cliff to break my fall. I have to climb back up under my own power.
As for how that all works, I have no idea. It does not matter that I have a graduate degree in theology or have thought deeply about it all. It is... Mystery.
I need some smoke and mirrors just now. I need some awe and wonder. I need to put my arm around that hand, grasp firmly and start climbing.
That's all.
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