I love how everything is a new discovery (over and over ) with this disease. I have brain fog that is frightening, although I hear it is common. So, I think the job thing is going to get decided with or without me. The university has basically lost its confidence in me. I have to say, I am sooo there with them. I've lost my confidence in me too.
Perhaps I should just sing with Julie Andrews, "I have confidence in confidence alone...".
Well, I don't.
But, I cannot get sucked into that hole and stay there, now can I? What did I say in my last post???? Climbing without a harness.... so true.
However, there is a harness. I feel it wrap itself around me when I am at my darkest. Is it Love? Is it my parents, holding me between them with giant arms that reach from heaven? That's what I picture, you know. Giant Arms. They are God's arms. They are Love's arms. They are that thing again that makes me hang onto the hand coming over the cliff....when I want to let go. And damn it, they will pull me up. I have to climb on my own but not too fast or too slow. I cannot go at any pace I have ever known. This is totally up to the Universe. I am merely along for the ride. A speck. A heart that beats and screams into the Darkness. No. No.
There is a place for me. I don't know where and I don't know when, but there is a place. A new place that is not in a college classroom. I have to let go. I have to hang on.
I have to know that I really cannot fall. Or if I do, I will be caught and held.
No comments:
Post a Comment