church and choir and all the fellowship I miss...

I am by nature very social and very fond of singing and very fond of worship services.  All of this fondness leads me to one place, University United Methodist church in Austin.  So, you ask, "why aren't going there anymore?"
Well I figured something out.  Stan and I are trying really hard to do God's work and serve the people we have to care for.  We are honoring our elders by caring for my mother in law, my aunt is not disabled but she is old and we are  her only family here.  In between that, we care for our children and try to get the house clean and some stuff repaired each weekend.
Finally, we all have to deal with me.  I am basically sick all the time.  I can try and normalize things as much as possible but being gone all Sunday morning is just impossible for us at the moment.   And I feel really so lost without the choir and worship.
I would rather have the time and energy to spend half the day in worship and fellowship.  So I am at an impasse' that I cannot get through..I don't know my way forward.  I just pray that I get better and have more energy.  

sleepless in pflugerville

Let me try this again.  My entire computer blew up when I tried to post earlier.  I have been up all night with hives, tummy pain and a sort tooth.  I hope the endodontist can save the day and find the infection. No one else has thus far.  My face is swollen and I am on round two of Augmentin.  It hurts and somethings gotta give here.
Praying for an answer tomorrow!

That Thing Again...

I love how everything is a new discovery (over and over ) with this disease.  I have brain fog that is frightening, although I hear it is common.  So, I think the job thing is going to get decided with or without me.  The university has basically lost its confidence in me.  I have to say, I am sooo there with them.  I've lost my confidence in me too.
Perhaps I should just sing with Julie Andrews, "I have confidence in confidence alone...".
Well, I don't.
But, I cannot get sucked into that hole and stay there, now can I?  What did I say in my last post???? Climbing without a harness.... so true.
However, there is a harness.  I feel it wrap itself around me when I am at my darkest.  Is it Love?  Is it my parents, holding me between them with giant arms that reach from heaven?  That's what I picture, you know.  Giant Arms.  They are God's arms.  They are Love's arms.  They are that thing again that makes me hang onto the hand coming over the cliff....when I want to let go.  And damn it, they will pull me up.  I have to climb on my own but not too fast or too slow.  I cannot go at any pace I have ever known.  This is totally up to the Universe.  I am merely along for the ride.  A speck.  A heart that beats and screams into the Darkness. No.  No.
There is a place for me.  I don't know where and I don't know when, but there is a place.  A new place that is not in a college classroom.  I have to let go.  I have to hang on.
I have to know that I really cannot fall.  Or if I do, I will be caught and held.